HippoMommy Blog

Mean Girls (and Boys) in the Online Community

2006-03-31T19:07:00.000-08:00

http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm

I suppose that like all communities, online communities will have their fair share of the mentally unbalanced, the misguided, and the intentionally cruel. Lately, a board that I frequent has had its share of hard times courtesy of an individual whose messages are abrasive to most. This person's posts have elicited all kinds of responses from derisive to suspicious to sarcastic to outright hostile. None of these responses have altered this person's style or content. Indeed, the board has, at times, become a virtual battlefield with sniping back and forth going on for hours, all catalyzed by this one person's posts.

It's been hard to watch. Here's what I've learned: When in the presence of an offensive post, ignore it and, if possible, report it to the board administrators/monitors. All the clever, witty, pithy or hostile retorts in the world have not and will not improve the tone of a message board in turmoil. Only by following the *ignore and report* rule can board members reclaim their community.

If one is not bothered by the irritating posts, one can, of course, go about the business of posting friendly, helpful, funny, supportive messages. Board members can create what they want, but not by engaging in hostilities. If board members don't fan the flames, then a large percentage of the agitation just won't even get started. Many folks have been hurt by "responses to responses." And that needn't have happened at all if board members were practicing the *ignore and report* concept.

This applies to trolls or to folks just having a bad day. Whether someone is cranky (but usually a good friend) or disturbed or a chronic irritant, please consider this --

If everyone would rely upon the advice given at the above linked website whenever they think they've encountered someone to whom it pertains, rather than posting frantically on threads, this would help. It's kind of like child abuse reporting (okay, I'm in that field, so forgive the bizarre analogy) -- one doesn't have to know for sure about abuse, one only needs a reasonable suspicion, in order to be justified in reporting. So, if there's a reasonable suspicion that a poster is a troll (or is posting offensive messages), do what is suggested. Ignore, and use the "report this post," button if one is provided on the message board. And, if the poster puts up stuff that is legit, friendly, balanced, not offensive, then go ahead and reinforce that by posting in an appropriate tone. This is the ONLY way to handle trolls and other offensive posters.

Summary: **Ignore and report, people. Ignore and report** (Spoken in the style of the Madagascar penguins).

Willingness

2006-03-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

Many folks, while losing weight, struggle with the advice we all hear to get more active. For many of us, exercise has ugly associations with being chosen last for teams on the playground, clumsy efforts to learn sports skills, and physical discomfort while doing various activities. Many of us are willing to make changes to manage our food intake, controlling which foods we choose and how much we eat, yet we're unwilling to get active. When we are willing to exercise, we think of it as some punishment we must endure for having committed the sin of getting fat. We imagine that as soon as we're slim, we can stop suffering through the misery of exercise sessions.

Yes, we've heard that sound scientific research indicates that those who exercise while losing weight, and who continue exercising thereafter, are most likely to have success with weight maintenance. But we secretly hope that when we've gotten to our maintenance weight, we will be "cured" of weight worries, and we'll be free to continue skipping exercise.

I tried that. Years ago, when I got to goal, I promptly stopped exercising. The fitness activities I'd used while losing weight weren't particularly enjoyable to me. They boringly repetitive aerobics VHS tape I used at home verged on the hideous calisthenics I endured in junior high PE classes. I put up with it, but was relieved to hit goal and put it on the back shelf where it began collecting dust as my old behaviors of eating and lethargy returned along with my lost pounds.

So quitting exercise was one mistake. But I think I made a bigger mistake before that. I was doing something I hated with a "finish line" in mind. I was willing to do that boring exercise for an hour a day until I hit goal, and not one more time thereafter.

This time around, I've been enjoying mixing up my fitness activities. I'm currently hooked on spin classes and yoga classes at my gym. I walk, do fun step aerobics videos at home, and I strength train with free weights. I swim occasionally, and use the Stairmaster at the gym, too. I don't always enjoy every minute of my fitness activity, but I enjoy it most of the time. If I find myself bored or dreading a workout, I know it's time to try something different. Novelty -- learning a new activty or taking a new class -- is incredibly stimulating.

My Leader always says "don't do anything (on your weight loss journey) that you're not willing to keep doing forever." So if working out for an hour a day, 6 days a week, isn't something you're willing to keep doing forever, don't do it. But if you're willing to work out for a half hour every day (or every other day), go for it. You may gradually become willing to do more, but even if you don't you're still doing more than you were.

Same thing with food. We can get completely maniacal, or at least I could, with the details and logistics of our program. We can make ourselves feel utterly inadequate when we don't achieve perfection (whatever that is in our minds). But do you really want to live that way? Maybe you're willing to give up sugar, or pizza, or fast food or whatever the trigger food. Or maybe you're not. If not, don't do it. Find a way to make it work, within reason, in a healthy and non-obsessive way.

We all struggle with willingness, and it takes many efforts (try this, try that, try yet another option) until we achieve balance. And balance is not a static thing. It requires constant little adjustments (I'm newly into yoga, so I'm learning this fact all over again).

Finding where our willingness and the program intersect is the key to finding our way a bit further down the path toward lifelong healthy weight management.

The Shocking Truth About Perfectionism and Weight Loss

2006-03-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've noticed a rash of posts on the Weight Watchers website message boards from new Weight Watchers. These dear folks are mystified as to why the scale isn't giving them the results they expect, even when they have followed the program carefully. Longtime Weight Watchers respond with sage words about how the body responds in its own time, myriad factors can affect the results at the scale, and the importance of sticking with the program despite the scale's vagaries.

Here's something I'd love every discouraged Weight Watcher to consider: How much could the scale have gone UP this week if you were not practicing all your new skills? 1/2 pound? 1 pound? More? I don't know about you, but any week that I maintain or I'm down a fraction, is a week I didn't go back to unhealthy old behaviors. It's a week that I didn't gain. It's a week that I didn't constantly use food to try to fix problems. It's a week that I didn't beat myself up from start to finish. It's a week that I didn't feel hopeless and miserable about my behavior and my body. If you've had a maintenance or minimal loss week, what stops you from considering that a huge success?

If it's perfectionism, recognize that perfectionism doesn't serve you. Perfectionism, the ceaseless pursuit of living your life so spotlessly that none could find fault, causes you to strive endlessly to meet an impossible standard. Perfectionism keeps your focus on flaws, real or imagined, significant or irrelevant, and deflates your vitality and motivation. It prevents you from recognizing success (how can you replicate it if you don't even notice it?), it distorts your rational thinking about the weight loss process, and it causes you to feel hopeless and helpless. Perfectionism is the enemy of courage, innovation, creativity and pleasure. When you give up perfectionism, you become free to persevere with your weight loss journey and to try new ideas without the intense fear of failure. Replacing perfectionistic thoughts (try using the Weight Watchers Reframing, Switching, or Empowering Beliefs Tools for Living) is a step toward health and joy.

The shocking truth: There will be weeks when you won't lose, even if you do everything "right." What you do after those weigh-ins will be critical. Because if you give up, you can be sure that you won't lose. If you stick with the plan, weight loss will happen. Maybe not on your timeline, maybe not every single week, but it will happen. Perfection is not required. Persistence is. Success is absolutely guaranteed as long as you don't give up.

I'm Not "OP"

2006-01-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Those who frequent the Weight Watchers website bulletin boards, and other weight-loss boards, are familiar with the abbreviation "OP." This means, alternately, "On Program" and "Off Program." It's used to describe whether one is sticking to the weight loss plan. I react to "OP" as to nails on a chalkboard.

That's not to say that I don't believe in following my weight management plan. Of course I do. But I feel that the focus on "OP" is a form of mental self-abuse, if that's not too strong a statement. Frankly, I'm committed to my lifelong healthy weight management. No matter what, I'm not giving up on this process. No matter what, I'm taking care of myself. If that's true (and why even bother with any of this, if it's not) there can be no On and Off Program for me. It's just my life, and me living it.

Some days I do very well with following Core as it's written, and occasionally I don't. Some weeks I do very well sticking to my intentions (how many WPA I'll use and when, for instance, or how many APs I'll earn and what I'll do with them). Every now and then, I don't do quite what I'd planned.

But I never think of those "not so perfect" days/weeks as "off program." There's no "off my life," so there can be no "off program." I just dust myself off and get back on track as quickly as I can.

What I've learned in 2 plus years back at WW is that the real magic is in how quickly I can recover from those "not so perfect" moments, without beating myself up with crummy self-talk. This means that I don't indulge in the kind of crummy thinking that "OP" fosters: "Oh, I was OP today, so I'll wait until my next weigh in to get back on track. After all, I've already blown it today, so the week is shot anyway." Or this one: "Oh, I've been off-program for days. I can't go back to my meeting and weigh in until I've had an on-program week with some weight loss." On what planet is that constructive and self-nurturing?

Instead, if I've had a difficult day, I know that what really supports me is to get myself back to my meeting, face the feedback at the scale, and resume eating Core. I tell myself, "Okay, my next choice will be a healthy one. I'll eat Core, I'll get some APs, and I'll count those WPA. I'll go to my meeting and face the scale. I can do this!"

Positive Self-Talk is one of Weight Watchers' Tools for Living. Using this Tool makes such a difference in one's ability to stay focussed. It just can't be overestimated. And of, course, applying this skill to other areas of our lives can be tremendously powerful. "OP," on the other hand, is just crummy self-talk. Banish it from your vocabulary and see what happens!

Why I Love Freecycle (TM)

2005-11-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of Freecycle (TM) ? It's a grassroots movement to keep perfectly useable "good stuff" out of landfills. It's neighbors helping neighbors by giving each other what they need or want. It's people sharing and feeling great in the process.

It started in Arizona, but has moved all over the world, thanks to the ease of Yahoo groups. Members post announcements when they have something to give away. Other Freecyclers respond by email if they desire the announced item. A thermal paper fax machine, a commuter coffee mug, a kid's bike, used toddler clothing, concrete spacers, some closet doors, and a box of outdated computer parts were recently posted on my local Freecyle (TM). The pick-up arrangements are made "off list," and the good stuff finds a new home.

I'm someone who struggles with clutter. It's hard for me to get rid of things that I imagine I might need some day. De-cluttering elicits such anxiety that I delay doing it, my home fills with unused stuff (so that the things I am using have no place to go), and I feel depressed and anxious because of the clutter. It's a vicious cycle. But Freecycling my stuff has helped. I feel great knowing that my unused things are finding a good home. And I love seeing the stuff being carted away by smiling neighbors.

Check out www.freecycle.org to see if there's a Freecycle (TM) group in your community. If there is, it's easy to follow the prompts and join. If not, hey, why not consider moderating a group in your community? It takes about half an hour of your time each day (maybe less), and you're making a real difference in your community.

If you live in my neighborhood, please join the La Canada-Flintridge Freecycle (TM), or visit www.freecycle.org to find Freecycle (TM) in your area.

Subscribe to LaCanadaCAFreecycle

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Chasing the Weight Loss Dream

2005-10-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle. - Anais Nin

A year ago, on November 1, I reached my Weight Watchers goal weight. Since then, I've been able to maintain, never going more than 4 lbs over my goal weight, and often weighing in a bit under goal.

But the numbers on the scale don't represent the greatest success I've experienced since reaching goal. True weight loss success is found, I have come to believe, in day to day decisions. When I decide to just dig into my daily WW program (eating from the Core List, getting some exercise, meeting the Eight Good Health Guidelines), I have immediate benefits. Living the program today means that I'm not waiting for a victory at the scale to know that I'm doing well. I experience success in the myriad subtle responses I get from my body -- more energy, better sleep, toned muscles, a brighter outlook, greater stamina.

Weight Watchers members like to say "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change." By this, we mean that we're not just aiming to lose weight at the scale, we're seeking to change on deeper levels. We understand that for the weight to come off and stay off, we have to change our attitudes, our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, and our convictions about who we are and what we can accomplish. By working toward weight loss, we seek slimmer bodies, healthier attitudes about eating and fitness, and renewed vitality.

So if it's not a diet, but a lifestyle change, we can live the dream today. It need not always be running ahead of us, waiting at the end of a quest to drive down the numbers on the scale. No, the dream is here, in this time and place. When we live, right now, as the slimmer, healthier, more vital person we dream of being, a miracle occurs. We become ourselves, more fully. We become who we are here to be. And all the energy and effort we've put into fighting food, and fighting our bodies, becomes available to us for some other purpose. It's incredible what we can achieve when we stop devoting so much of our vital energy to the weight loss battle.

If you've been battling your body, fighting yourself to lose weight, imagine simply living as a slimmer person today. Imagine simply accepting that you will follow your healthy weight management program comfortably, without resentment and inner protests. Imagine surrendering the struggle to do it "your way," in favor of just doing the program, as it's written. Your weight will come off as your body is ready, in its own time, but you need not wait for the scale before you realize the benefits of your weight management lifestyle. Imagine what you'll do instead, now that you've stopped chasing the dream.

Stop chasing the dream and begin living it.

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln

Wasting My Education

2005-10-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

http://amysrobot.com/archives/2005/09/ny_times_on_sta.php

Let me get this straight -- if I have a quality university education, and then choose to actually raise my own kids, I'm foolishly wasting my education and betraying feminism because I'm unable to think outside the traditional box? If I don't get a university education and choose to raise my own kids, I'm sub-intelligent, outside the bounds of feminism, and following in lockstep some Stepford vision of womanhood? If I have a quality university education (or even if I don't) and I work outside the home I'm less than a good mother, abandoning my children to daycare and classroom "parents for hire?" And if I choose not to be a mother at all, I've chucked my womanhood altogether?

When DD was born, I went through a long, lonely stretch of the baby blues. I didn't recognize my life. I didn't know how to be DD's mommy. I didn't know how to be me, at home, sans career. . . The biggest adjustment of new motherhood was missing all the familiar, external cues by which I knew who I was: good student, loyal employee, creative person, good friend. The routine of baby care was numbing and exhausting. It took all day, and at the end I had little to show for it (although we both were breathing, clean and fed). And, though my friends and family may have tried to tell me, I didn't hear, "you're still you, you're just doing something different for a while." I had to come to that realization for myself.

Now I have a happy, bright 3 year old and we're in a good groove together. The baby blues are a bad memory. I'm more engaged with the world -- friends, hobbies, and books are back in my life. And I still work my butt off mothering.

I've worked for over 25 years in various capacities outside the home. I have an undergraduate degree from a Seven Sisters college. I have a graduate degree, too. I'm a feminist. I am a SAHM and homeschooler with a 3 year old DD and a 7 year old DSS. Am I wasting my education when I teach my DD to read, or show my DSS how to use an atlas? Am I wasting my education homeschooling my kids -- finding interesting things to read, schlepping to the library and the Y, going to park days and homeschool co-op days, reading everything I can find about how humans learn? Am I wasting my education attending homeschooling conferences, participating in workshops, sharing with other parents? Am I wasting my education viewing parenting as a vital effort to contribute to society? Perhaps a deeper question is whether it's a waste of time to spend it with children. Feminists Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler comment that "feminism is the radical notion that women are people." Is it really so radical to notice that children are people? Am I wasting my education spending time with children (mine and others') -- talking with them, sharing myself, teaching them about values, listening to their concerns, guiding them to find answers to their questions, helping them contribute to their families and community, treating them like valuable human beings? When my kids are older, I bet I'll be back in the workplace, with even more wisdom to contribute, courtesy of the time I'm spending with children. So am I wasting my fine university education?

I wouldn't say that spending all day, every day, with a child, or a bunch of children, is always gratifying. I have needs that my children cannot (or should not) meet. I have interests beyond my home and family. There are myriad Catch-22 decisions to make as a mother, and each day brings new challenges, hassles, discoveries and amusements. Raising a child is alternately boring, fun, exhausting, exhilarating, overwhelming, satisfying, nerve-wracking, and lonely. It's hard work with no guarantees about the outcome.

Why this culture doesn't value the hard work it takes to raise a thoughtful, kind, creative, contributing citizen is beyond one blog entry. I do know that until mothering is valued, women and children won't be valued, and the vision of feminism won't be realized.

Valuing Independence?

2005-10-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which make for uniqueness, for self-direction, and for self-initiated learning. - Carl Rogers

Recently, I found the above passage from Carl Rogers. Now Rogers already is something of an intellectual hero of mine. The author of the brilliant and gently provocative On Becoming a Person has long influenced my thinking about all aspects of human relations (from politics to psychotherapy to conflict transformation to friendship). But today, as I read his words I'm thinking of a conflict we're working through in my house.

My DSS doesn't want to go to religious school. Or does he? If only it was clear to me, I'd know what to do.

He has fun when he's there (it's two and a half hours, one day a week), he smiles, shows his work proudly, laughs and participates. But on Sunday mornings, when it's time to go, he complains, frowns, grouches, whines, tantrums, and generally does whatever he can to let us know he doesn't want to go. When we observe to him this pattern (he likes it when he's there, he hates it when it's time to go), he sulks more and continues to protest going.

I wonder what to do? As a parent who in my loving heart of hearts, feels that this experience would be good for DSS (in terms of moral development, sense of belonging/peoplehood, understanding of history), I want him to want to do this. The program is thoughtfully planned. The teachers are gentle, warm and playful. And of course, I know that seven year olds aren't always enthusiastic about things that are good for them. Good nutrition, going to bed once in a while, brushing teeth, and participating in community aren't always valued by kids. As homeschoolers who value interest-initiated learning, we're not above "strewing" provocative new materials or experiences in the kids' paths. But I want to honor DSS's process. His way of learning, his readiness to learn, his interests, his freedom. . . these also are important.

So far, we've been taking him, because each week (after he's been) he says he likes it and will go again. So what's bugging him? Is it the structuring of his time? The pressure to hurry up and get ready to go on Sunday mornings? Is it the nature of "school" -- someone else has decided what's important to learn, when, and how? The fact that he hasn't yet made a good buddy to play with while there? I'll keep asking these questions, waiting and watching for some answers. And this week I'll be driving him to temple Sunday morning.

Why Hippos?

2005-10-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

It all started with my daughter's pre-school fascination with hippos. She just took a liking to the creatures, got all kinds of fun attention for this quirky fixation, and we were off and running. The more I learn about hippos, it turns out, the more I share DD's affection for them. What speed (18 to 30 mph on land), endurance (they walk up to 6 miles per day foraging), devoted mothering (baby-wearing - it's not just for primates!), ferocity (ever fought off a Nile crocodile?) and adaptation to their environment (they secrete their own sunscreen). . . .
http://www.hippopotamus-amphibius.com/

My Weight Loss Story

2005-10-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

I returned to Weight Watchers in November 2003. My DD was 18 months old and I was a wreck. I'd coped with the stress of new motherhood (not to mention life in post 9/11 America) by eating. I ate a lot. And I ate the wrong things. I'm not proud to admit that I 0ften hit the fast food drive-through twice a day. I would put DD in her carseat, drive around until she fell asleep for a nap, and get some fast food while she rested. It was one way to cope, but by that November, I weighed 173, my all-time high. My BMI was 29.9, and I was miserable.

I say that I returned to WW because I'd been a Lifetime member for some years. I'd lost 25 pounds in the early '90s. Although I'd reached Lifetime status (which is awarded by WW when a member achieves a healthy goal weight and maintains that weight for six weeks), I hadn't integrated the personal changes necessary to stay at goal weight. In fact, I have a vivid memory of going to a drive-through for a "food reward" on my way home from the meeting at which I was awarded Lifetime membership in WW! I still had that diet mentality that goes along with short-term behavior changes. I had no confidence that I could lose weight and keep it off. So it's not surprising that I'd regained my 25 pounds by the time I became pregnant with DD. Or that I used food to cope with the stress of new motherhood.

I found a wonderful meeting, and began following the Flex Plan. I have a wonderful Leader, Shirley, who never failed to be encouraging. She always seemed to know just the right thing to say at the right time. The many honest, courageous and successful members of my Sunday morning meeting are truly inspiring. There's a large cadre of Lifetime members at goal who attend my meeting. Their example, plus that of Shirley, showed me that it's possible to lose weight and keep it off. To a one, they say "what got me to goal keeps me at goal." I resolved to follow their lead and keep attending meetings once I reached my goal.

Around February 2004 I began to exercise regularly. I did this despite not being particularly enthusiastic about fitness activity. Rather, I was responding to a challenge issued by a Leader. She said, "I have discovered that I have 30 minutes a day to sit and snack, so I must have 30 minutes a day to be active." I really didn't like hearing that. After all, I was the very busy mom of a toddler, working part time outside the home, and I was tired! But I began doing a 30 minute Walk Away the Pounds tape in the evening before I sat down to my crossword puzzles. Lo and behold, my rate of weight loss increased, my energy level picked up, and my mood improved. I've experienced chronic mild depression my entire adult life, coupled with a pretty rugged bout of the baby blues after DD was born, so the boost I get from exercise turns out to be a big benefit! In the past year and a half of serious exercising, I've worked my way up to one hour training sessions of tae bo, spinning classes at my gym, and strength training with the Firm. I'm considering taking up running, if the weather ever cools off enough to let me do it this Fall. I now strongly encourage everyone to explore different fitness activities until you find the one you can enjoy. It may not look like what I do, or what your friends think is great, but it's out there. Find it, relish it, and your body will thrive!

By the time the Core Plan was released to the WW membership in late August 2004, I was nearly at goal. But I'd hit a bit of an attitude plateau. After all, I'd never before been able to maintain a weight loss. Convinced that disappointment would follow reaching my goal weight, I was stuck about 10 pounds above my goal weight. When Core came out, I was delighted by what I read. What is Core? It is at once a structured approach to food and a freeing invitation to trust one's body. I eat to physical satisfaction from a list of wholesome, unprocessed foods. If I want to eat a nonCore food, I can do so in reasonable amounts. On Core, I've learned to trust my body to tell me when I need to eat, and how much. I've learned I can trust myself around food, I enjoy cooking (though I'll probably never enjoy cleaning up), and weight management can be fairly effortless.

Following the Core Plan, I lost the last few pounds and got to my goal weight on November 1, 2004. Since then, I've lost a few more pounds, bringing my goal weight to 133 -- an even 40 pound loss from my high one year earlier. To my delight, maintenance on Core has been straightforward. As long as I focus my eating on the Core Food List, and continue to exercise daily, my weight stays where I want it to be. In short, those Lifetime members at my meeting are right, "what got me to goal keeps me at goal." I continue to work on the skills I've learned from WW that support my weight maintenance efforts.

To see more photos from my weight loss album, visit my website, http://www.freewebs.com/hippomommy/