Mean Girls (and Boys) in the Online Community

http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm

I suppose that like all communities, online communities will have their fair share of the mentally unbalanced, the misguided, and the intentionally cruel. Lately, a board that I frequent has had its share of hard times courtesy of an individual whose messages are abrasive to most. This person's posts have elicited all kinds of responses from derisive to suspicious to sarcastic to outright hostile. None of these responses have altered this person's style or content. Indeed, the board has, at times, become a virtual battlefield with sniping back and forth going on for hours, all catalyzed by this one person's posts.

It's been hard to watch. Here's what I've learned: When in the presence of an offensive post, ignore it and, if possible, report it to the board administrators/monitors. All the clever, witty, pithy or hostile retorts in the world have not and will not improve the tone of a message board in turmoil. Only by following the *ignore and report* rule can board members reclaim their community.

If one is not bothered by the irritating posts, one can, of course, go about the business of posting friendly, helpful, funny, supportive messages. Board members can create what they want, but not by engaging in hostilities. If board members don't fan the flames, then a large percentage of the agitation just won't even get started. Many folks have been hurt by "responses to responses." And that needn't have happened at all if board members were practicing the *ignore and report* concept.

This applies to trolls or to folks just having a bad day. Whether someone is cranky (but usually a good friend) or disturbed or a chronic irritant, please consider this --

If everyone would rely upon the advice given at the above linked website whenever they think they've encountered someone to whom it pertains, rather than posting frantically on threads, this would help. It's kind of like child abuse reporting (okay, I'm in that field, so forgive the bizarre analogy) -- one doesn't have to know for sure about abuse, one only needs a reasonable suspicion, in order to be justified in reporting. So, if there's a reasonable suspicion that a poster is a troll (or is posting offensive messages), do what is suggested. Ignore, and use the "report this post," button if one is provided on the message board. And, if the poster puts up stuff that is legit, friendly, balanced, not offensive, then go ahead and reinforce that by posting in an appropriate tone. This is the ONLY way to handle trolls and other offensive posters.

Summary: **Ignore and report, people. Ignore and report** (Spoken in the style of the Madagascar penguins).

Willingness

Many folks, while losing weight, struggle with the advice we all hear to get more active. For many of us, exercise has ugly associations with being chosen last for teams on the playground, clumsy efforts to learn sports skills, and physical discomfort while doing various activities. Many of us are willing to make changes to manage our food intake, controlling which foods we choose and how much we eat, yet we're unwilling to get active. When we are willing to exercise, we think of it as some punishment we must endure for having committed the sin of getting fat. We imagine that as soon as we're slim, we can stop suffering through the misery of exercise sessions.

Yes, we've heard that sound scientific research indicates that those who exercise while losing weight, and who continue exercising thereafter, are most likely to have success with weight maintenance. But we secretly hope that when we've gotten to our maintenance weight, we will be "cured" of weight worries, and we'll be free to continue skipping exercise.

I tried that. Years ago, when I got to goal, I promptly stopped exercising. The fitness activities I'd used while losing weight weren't particularly enjoyable to me. They boringly repetitive aerobics VHS tape I used at home verged on the hideous calisthenics I endured in junior high PE classes. I put up with it, but was relieved to hit goal and put it on the back shelf where it began collecting dust as my old behaviors of eating and lethargy returned along with my lost pounds.

So quitting exercise was one mistake. But I think I made a bigger mistake before that. I was doing something I hated with a "finish line" in mind. I was willing to do that boring exercise for an hour a day until I hit goal, and not one more time thereafter.

This time around, I've been enjoying mixing up my fitness activities. I'm currently hooked on spin classes and yoga classes at my gym. I walk, do fun step aerobics videos at home, and I strength train with free weights. I swim occasionally, and use the Stairmaster at the gym, too. I don't always enjoy every minute of my fitness activity, but I enjoy it most of the time. If I find myself bored or dreading a workout, I know it's time to try something different. Novelty -- learning a new activty or taking a new class -- is incredibly stimulating.

My Leader always says "don't do anything (on your weight loss journey) that you're not willing to keep doing forever." So if working out for an hour a day, 6 days a week, isn't something you're willing to keep doing forever, don't do it. But if you're willing to work out for a half hour every day (or every other day), go for it. You may gradually become willing to do more, but even if you don't you're still doing more than you were.

Same thing with food. We can get completely maniacal, or at least I could, with the details and logistics of our program. We can make ourselves feel utterly inadequate when we don't achieve perfection (whatever that is in our minds). But do you really want to live that way? Maybe you're willing to give up sugar, or pizza, or fast food or whatever the trigger food. Or maybe you're not. If not, don't do it. Find a way to make it work, within reason, in a healthy and non-obsessive way.

We all struggle with willingness, and it takes many efforts (try this, try that, try yet another option) until we achieve balance. And balance is not a static thing. It requires constant little adjustments (I'm newly into yoga, so I'm learning this fact all over again).

Finding where our willingness and the program intersect is the key to finding our way a bit further down the path toward lifelong healthy weight management.

The Shocking Truth About Perfectionism and Weight Loss

Recently, I've noticed a rash of posts on the Weight Watchers website message boards from new Weight Watchers. These dear folks are mystified as to why the scale isn't giving them the results they expect, even when they have followed the program carefully. Longtime Weight Watchers respond with sage words about how the body responds in its own time, myriad factors can affect the results at the scale, and the importance of sticking with the program despite the scale's vagaries.

Here's something I'd love every discouraged Weight Watcher to consider: How much could the scale have gone UP this week if you were not practicing all your new skills? 1/2 pound? 1 pound? More? I don't know about you, but any week that I maintain or I'm down a fraction, is a week I didn't go back to unhealthy old behaviors. It's a week that I didn't gain. It's a week that I didn't constantly use food to try to fix problems. It's a week that I didn't beat myself up from start to finish. It's a week that I didn't feel hopeless and miserable about my behavior and my body. If you've had a maintenance or minimal loss week, what stops you from considering that a huge success?

If it's perfectionism, recognize that perfectionism doesn't serve you. Perfectionism, the ceaseless pursuit of living your life so spotlessly that none could find fault, causes you to strive endlessly to meet an impossible standard. Perfectionism keeps your focus on flaws, real or imagined, significant or irrelevant, and deflates your vitality and motivation. It prevents you from recognizing success (how can you replicate it if you don't even notice it?), it distorts your rational thinking about the weight loss process, and it causes you to feel hopeless and helpless. Perfectionism is the enemy of courage, innovation, creativity and pleasure. When you give up perfectionism, you become free to persevere with your weight loss journey and to try new ideas without the intense fear of failure. Replacing perfectionistic thoughts (try using the Weight Watchers Reframing, Switching, or Empowering Beliefs Tools for Living) is a step toward health and joy.

The shocking truth: There will be weeks when you won't lose, even if you do everything "right." What you do after those weigh-ins will be critical. Because if you give up, you can be sure that you won't lose. If you stick with the plan, weight loss will happen. Maybe not on your timeline, maybe not every single week, but it will happen. Perfection is not required. Persistence is. Success is absolutely guaranteed as long as you don't give up.

I'm Not "OP"

Those who frequent the Weight Watchers website bulletin boards, and other weight-loss boards, are familiar with the abbreviation "OP." This means, alternately, "On Program" and "Off Program." It's used to describe whether one is sticking to the weight loss plan. I react to "OP" as to nails on a chalkboard.

That's not to say that I don't believe in following my weight management plan. Of course I do. But I feel that the focus on "OP" is a form of mental self-abuse, if that's not too strong a statement. Frankly, I'm committed to my lifelong healthy weight management. No matter what, I'm not giving up on this process. No matter what, I'm taking care of myself. If that's true (and why even bother with any of this, if it's not) there can be no On and Off Program for me. It's just my life, and me living it.

Some days I do very well with following Core as it's written, and occasionally I don't. Some weeks I do very well sticking to my intentions (how many WPA I'll use and when, for instance, or how many APs I'll earn and what I'll do with them). Every now and then, I don't do quite what I'd planned.

But I never think of those "not so perfect" days/weeks as "off program." There's no "off my life," so there can be no "off program." I just dust myself off and get back on track as quickly as I can.

What I've learned in 2 plus years back at WW is that the real magic is in how quickly I can recover from those "not so perfect" moments, without beating myself up with crummy self-talk. This means that I don't indulge in the kind of crummy thinking that "OP" fosters: "Oh, I was OP today, so I'll wait until my next weigh in to get back on track. After all, I've already blown it today, so the week is shot anyway." Or this one: "Oh, I've been off-program for days. I can't go back to my meeting and weigh in until I've had an on-program week with some weight loss." On what planet is that constructive and self-nurturing?

Instead, if I've had a difficult day, I know that what really supports me is to get myself back to my meeting, face the feedback at the scale, and resume eating Core. I tell myself, "Okay, my next choice will be a healthy one. I'll eat Core, I'll get some APs, and I'll count those WPA. I'll go to my meeting and face the scale. I can do this!"

Positive Self-Talk is one of Weight Watchers' Tools for Living. Using this Tool makes such a difference in one's ability to stay focussed. It just can't be overestimated. And of, course, applying this skill to other areas of our lives can be tremendously powerful. "OP," on the other hand, is just crummy self-talk. Banish it from your vocabulary and see what happens!

Why I Love Freecycle (TM)

Have you heard of Freecycle (TM) ? It's a grassroots movement to keep perfectly useable "good stuff" out of landfills. It's neighbors helping neighbors by giving each other what they need or want. It's people sharing and feeling great in the process.

It started in Arizona, but has moved all over the world, thanks to the ease of Yahoo groups. Members post announcements when they have something to give away. Other Freecyclers respond by email if they desire the announced item. A thermal paper fax machine, a commuter coffee mug, a kid's bike, used toddler clothing, concrete spacers, some closet doors, and a box of outdated computer parts were recently posted on my local Freecyle (TM). The pick-up arrangements are made "off list," and the good stuff finds a new home.

I'm someone who struggles with clutter. It's hard for me to get rid of things that I imagine I might need some day. De-cluttering elicits such anxiety that I delay doing it, my home fills with unused stuff (so that the things I am using have no place to go), and I feel depressed and anxious because of the clutter. It's a vicious cycle. But Freecycling my stuff has helped. I feel great knowing that my unused things are finding a good home. And I love seeing the stuff being carted away by smiling neighbors.

Check out www.freecycle.org to see if there's a Freecycle (TM) group in your community. If there is, it's easy to follow the prompts and join. If not, hey, why not consider moderating a group in your community? It takes about half an hour of your time each day (maybe less), and you're making a real difference in your community.

If you live in my neighborhood, please join the La Canada-Flintridge Freecycle (TM), or visit www.freecycle.org to find Freecycle (TM) in your area.

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Chasing the Weight Loss Dream

The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle. - Anais Nin

A year ago, on November 1, I reached my Weight Watchers goal weight. Since then, I've been able to maintain, never going more than 4 lbs over my goal weight, and often weighing in a bit under goal.

But the numbers on the scale don't represent the greatest success I've experienced since reaching goal. True weight loss success is found, I have come to believe, in day to day decisions. When I decide to just dig into my daily WW program (eating from the Core List, getting some exercise, meeting the Eight Good Health Guidelines), I have immediate benefits. Living the program today means that I'm not waiting for a victory at the scale to know that I'm doing well. I experience success in the myriad subtle responses I get from my body -- more energy, better sleep, toned muscles, a brighter outlook, greater stamina.

Weight Watchers members like to say "it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change." By this, we mean that we're not just aiming to lose weight at the scale, we're seeking to change on deeper levels. We understand that for the weight to come off and stay off, we have to change our attitudes, our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, and our convictions about who we are and what we can accomplish. By working toward weight loss, we seek slimmer bodies, healthier attitudes about eating and fitness, and renewed vitality.

So if it's not a diet, but a lifestyle change, we can live the dream today. It need not always be running ahead of us, waiting at the end of a quest to drive down the numbers on the scale. No, the dream is here, in this time and place. When we live, right now, as the slimmer, healthier, more vital person we dream of being, a miracle occurs. We become ourselves, more fully. We become who we are here to be. And all the energy and effort we've put into fighting food, and fighting our bodies, becomes available to us for some other purpose. It's incredible what we can achieve when we stop devoting so much of our vital energy to the weight loss battle.

If you've been battling your body, fighting yourself to lose weight, imagine simply living as a slimmer person today. Imagine simply accepting that you will follow your healthy weight management program comfortably, without resentment and inner protests. Imagine surrendering the struggle to do it "your way," in favor of just doing the program, as it's written. Your weight will come off as your body is ready, in its own time, but you need not wait for the scale before you realize the benefits of your weight management lifestyle. Imagine what you'll do instead, now that you've stopped chasing the dream.

Stop chasing the dream and begin living it.

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln

Wasting My Education

http://amysrobot.com/archives/2005/09/ny_times_on_sta.php

Let me get this straight -- if I have a quality university education, and then choose to actually raise my own kids, I'm foolishly wasting my education and betraying feminism because I'm unable to think outside the traditional box? If I don't get a university education and choose to raise my own kids, I'm sub-intelligent, outside the bounds of feminism, and following in lockstep some Stepford vision of womanhood? If I have a quality university education (or even if I don't) and I work outside the home I'm less than a good mother, abandoning my children to daycare and classroom "parents for hire?" And if I choose not to be a mother at all, I've chucked my womanhood altogether?

When DD was born, I went through a long, lonely stretch of the baby blues. I didn't recognize my life. I didn't know how to be DD's mommy. I didn't know how to be me, at home, sans career. . . The biggest adjustment of new motherhood was missing all the familiar, external cues by which I knew who I was: good student, loyal employee, creative person, good friend. The routine of baby care was numbing and exhausting. It took all day, and at the end I had little to show for it (although we both were breathing, clean and fed). And, though my friends and family may have tried to tell me, I didn't hear, "you're still you, you're just doing something different for a while." I had to come to that realization for myself.

Now I have a happy, bright 3 year old and we're in a good groove together. The baby blues are a bad memory. I'm more engaged with the world -- friends, hobbies, and books are back in my life. And I still work my butt off mothering.

I've worked for over 25 years in various capacities outside the home. I have an undergraduate degree from a Seven Sisters college. I have a graduate degree, too. I'm a feminist. I am a SAHM and homeschooler with a 3 year old DD and a 7 year old DSS. Am I wasting my education when I teach my DD to read, or show my DSS how to use an atlas? Am I wasting my education homeschooling my kids -- finding interesting things to read, schlepping to the library and the Y, going to park days and homeschool co-op days, reading everything I can find about how humans learn? Am I wasting my education attending homeschooling conferences, participating in workshops, sharing with other parents? Am I wasting my education viewing parenting as a vital effort to contribute to society? Perhaps a deeper question is whether it's a waste of time to spend it with children. Feminists Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler comment that "feminism is the radical notion that women are people." Is it really so radical to notice that children are people? Am I wasting my education spending time with children (mine and others') -- talking with them, sharing myself, teaching them about values, listening to their concerns, guiding them to find answers to their questions, helping them contribute to their families and community, treating them like valuable human beings? When my kids are older, I bet I'll be back in the workplace, with even more wisdom to contribute, courtesy of the time I'm spending with children. So am I wasting my fine university education?

I wouldn't say that spending all day, every day, with a child, or a bunch of children, is always gratifying. I have needs that my children cannot (or should not) meet. I have interests beyond my home and family. There are myriad Catch-22 decisions to make as a mother, and each day brings new challenges, hassles, discoveries and amusements. Raising a child is alternately boring, fun, exhausting, exhilarating, overwhelming, satisfying, nerve-wracking, and lonely. It's hard work with no guarantees about the outcome.

Why this culture doesn't value the hard work it takes to raise a thoughtful, kind, creative, contributing citizen is beyond one blog entry. I do know that until mothering is valued, women and children won't be valued, and the vision of feminism won't be realized.