Mean Girls (and Boys) in the Online Community

http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm

I suppose that like all communities, online communities will have their fair share of the mentally unbalanced, the misguided, and the intentionally cruel. Lately, a board that I frequent has had its share of hard times courtesy of an individual whose messages are abrasive to most. This person's posts have elicited all kinds of responses from derisive to suspicious to sarcastic to outright hostile. None of these responses have altered this person's style or content. Indeed, the board has, at times, become a virtual battlefield with sniping back and forth going on for hours, all catalyzed by this one person's posts.

It's been hard to watch. Here's what I've learned: When in the presence of an offensive post, ignore it and, if possible, report it to the board administrators/monitors. All the clever, witty, pithy or hostile retorts in the world have not and will not improve the tone of a message board in turmoil. Only by following the *ignore and report* rule can board members reclaim their community.

If one is not bothered by the irritating posts, one can, of course, go about the business of posting friendly, helpful, funny, supportive messages. Board members can create what they want, but not by engaging in hostilities. If board members don't fan the flames, then a large percentage of the agitation just won't even get started. Many folks have been hurt by "responses to responses." And that needn't have happened at all if board members were practicing the *ignore and report* concept.

This applies to trolls or to folks just having a bad day. Whether someone is cranky (but usually a good friend) or disturbed or a chronic irritant, please consider this --

If everyone would rely upon the advice given at the above linked website whenever they think they've encountered someone to whom it pertains, rather than posting frantically on threads, this would help. It's kind of like child abuse reporting (okay, I'm in that field, so forgive the bizarre analogy) -- one doesn't have to know for sure about abuse, one only needs a reasonable suspicion, in order to be justified in reporting. So, if there's a reasonable suspicion that a poster is a troll (or is posting offensive messages), do what is suggested. Ignore, and use the "report this post," button if one is provided on the message board. And, if the poster puts up stuff that is legit, friendly, balanced, not offensive, then go ahead and reinforce that by posting in an appropriate tone. This is the ONLY way to handle trolls and other offensive posters.

Summary: **Ignore and report, people. Ignore and report** (Spoken in the style of the Madagascar penguins).

Willingness

Many folks, while losing weight, struggle with the advice we all hear to get more active. For many of us, exercise has ugly associations with being chosen last for teams on the playground, clumsy efforts to learn sports skills, and physical discomfort while doing various activities. Many of us are willing to make changes to manage our food intake, controlling which foods we choose and how much we eat, yet we're unwilling to get active. When we are willing to exercise, we think of it as some punishment we must endure for having committed the sin of getting fat. We imagine that as soon as we're slim, we can stop suffering through the misery of exercise sessions.

Yes, we've heard that sound scientific research indicates that those who exercise while losing weight, and who continue exercising thereafter, are most likely to have success with weight maintenance. But we secretly hope that when we've gotten to our maintenance weight, we will be "cured" of weight worries, and we'll be free to continue skipping exercise.

I tried that. Years ago, when I got to goal, I promptly stopped exercising. The fitness activities I'd used while losing weight weren't particularly enjoyable to me. They boringly repetitive aerobics VHS tape I used at home verged on the hideous calisthenics I endured in junior high PE classes. I put up with it, but was relieved to hit goal and put it on the back shelf where it began collecting dust as my old behaviors of eating and lethargy returned along with my lost pounds.

So quitting exercise was one mistake. But I think I made a bigger mistake before that. I was doing something I hated with a "finish line" in mind. I was willing to do that boring exercise for an hour a day until I hit goal, and not one more time thereafter.

This time around, I've been enjoying mixing up my fitness activities. I'm currently hooked on spin classes and yoga classes at my gym. I walk, do fun step aerobics videos at home, and I strength train with free weights. I swim occasionally, and use the Stairmaster at the gym, too. I don't always enjoy every minute of my fitness activity, but I enjoy it most of the time. If I find myself bored or dreading a workout, I know it's time to try something different. Novelty -- learning a new activty or taking a new class -- is incredibly stimulating.

My Leader always says "don't do anything (on your weight loss journey) that you're not willing to keep doing forever." So if working out for an hour a day, 6 days a week, isn't something you're willing to keep doing forever, don't do it. But if you're willing to work out for a half hour every day (or every other day), go for it. You may gradually become willing to do more, but even if you don't you're still doing more than you were.

Same thing with food. We can get completely maniacal, or at least I could, with the details and logistics of our program. We can make ourselves feel utterly inadequate when we don't achieve perfection (whatever that is in our minds). But do you really want to live that way? Maybe you're willing to give up sugar, or pizza, or fast food or whatever the trigger food. Or maybe you're not. If not, don't do it. Find a way to make it work, within reason, in a healthy and non-obsessive way.

We all struggle with willingness, and it takes many efforts (try this, try that, try yet another option) until we achieve balance. And balance is not a static thing. It requires constant little adjustments (I'm newly into yoga, so I'm learning this fact all over again).

Finding where our willingness and the program intersect is the key to finding our way a bit further down the path toward lifelong healthy weight management.

The Shocking Truth About Perfectionism and Weight Loss

Recently, I've noticed a rash of posts on the Weight Watchers website message boards from new Weight Watchers. These dear folks are mystified as to why the scale isn't giving them the results they expect, even when they have followed the program carefully. Longtime Weight Watchers respond with sage words about how the body responds in its own time, myriad factors can affect the results at the scale, and the importance of sticking with the program despite the scale's vagaries.

Here's something I'd love every discouraged Weight Watcher to consider: How much could the scale have gone UP this week if you were not practicing all your new skills? 1/2 pound? 1 pound? More? I don't know about you, but any week that I maintain or I'm down a fraction, is a week I didn't go back to unhealthy old behaviors. It's a week that I didn't gain. It's a week that I didn't constantly use food to try to fix problems. It's a week that I didn't beat myself up from start to finish. It's a week that I didn't feel hopeless and miserable about my behavior and my body. If you've had a maintenance or minimal loss week, what stops you from considering that a huge success?

If it's perfectionism, recognize that perfectionism doesn't serve you. Perfectionism, the ceaseless pursuit of living your life so spotlessly that none could find fault, causes you to strive endlessly to meet an impossible standard. Perfectionism keeps your focus on flaws, real or imagined, significant or irrelevant, and deflates your vitality and motivation. It prevents you from recognizing success (how can you replicate it if you don't even notice it?), it distorts your rational thinking about the weight loss process, and it causes you to feel hopeless and helpless. Perfectionism is the enemy of courage, innovation, creativity and pleasure. When you give up perfectionism, you become free to persevere with your weight loss journey and to try new ideas without the intense fear of failure. Replacing perfectionistic thoughts (try using the Weight Watchers Reframing, Switching, or Empowering Beliefs Tools for Living) is a step toward health and joy.

The shocking truth: There will be weeks when you won't lose, even if you do everything "right." What you do after those weigh-ins will be critical. Because if you give up, you can be sure that you won't lose. If you stick with the plan, weight loss will happen. Maybe not on your timeline, maybe not every single week, but it will happen. Perfection is not required. Persistence is. Success is absolutely guaranteed as long as you don't give up.